| Hi old xanga page.... it's me. It's been over a year, and a lot of shit has happened. First off... met the girl of my dreams towards the end of last year. Got to know each other, hooked up, aaaaaand got pregnant. Yeah... real smooth. Hardly a month after dating. (I don't suggest anybody else ever do that.... EVER!)
Probably the most confusing thing I have ever gone through in my entire life. Truly the most difficult thing that God could have thrown my way... was to drop everything I'm doing... and raise a baby.
...wasn't exactly on my agenda.... ...for a long......long..... time......
BUT, it happened. And so far... I'm REALLY not so sure how I'm liking it. Not so sure how this is all going to end up.
SEE, here is how I look at this all. -and don't get me wrong... having a baby is probably one of, if not THE best things that could've ever happened to me. It's an awesome (yet extremely difficult) experience!
ANYWAY, this is how it is... for ME:
A few things are going on in my head, as well as in 'reality' as we (I) speak.
Number 1: I am absolutely in love with Jamie. There is no doubt in my mind that one day (who knows when) that we will eventually get married. *end of THAT story*
Number 2: I've not got a baby girl, that I'm MORE than excited/happy about.... BUT.... for some reason, am a little iffy about..... for a COUPLE different reasons.
Number 1 (again): I was JUST beginning to get my life on the right track. Fucked it up more than anybody could've ever imaged... but finally got it back. Now, with a KID.... all my goals and everything else is put on hiatus. Postponed for a unknown length of time.... and that's not good. And not at ALL how I planned... which leads me to....
Number 2 (again): Because of this unbelievable change that has taken place in my life.... I have almost began seeing that it may be bringing out a "worse version" of myself. I've noticed that I am much more 'unstable' if you will. Finding myself constantly irritable and angry at every little thing.
The worst part of it all..... I can't find the source of my anger.... my unhappiness....
I'm never happy anymore... always trying to put on a smile for other peoples' amusement... but that's about as far as it all will go for me anymore.
Is it because my life was put on hold?? Because finally school was going to become a great option... and now that's no longer the case???? Or is it because deep down inside I really am unsure if I even want a child???????
So far.. I haven't found the answer. Which is why and where I believe some, if not most of my anger is coming from. But still... I am completely left in the dark....
NOW!
ANOTHER THING..... that has been a HUGE issue.... (embarrassing... but still needs to finally be brought up)
BUT.... I've also noticed that.. more often than not... that I want to cry. It will come out of nowhere... for no reason... but it happens. And what is terrible is that... I don't just want to cry... but I truly just want to drop down to my knees and SCREAM (while crying).
Is that bad???? Because I'm thinking so.... That can't be a good sign. I will just be sitting there... watching TV.. or driving somewhere.. and it'll hit me. This insane urge to just break down and bawl my eyes out for hours and hours....
But like my problems previously mentioned above.... I can't find out where these emotions are coming from. I can't seem to find the source to any of my problems. Which brings me back to my frustration/anger. I can't find out why I'm sad... so I get mad. I can't figure out why I'm mad... so I get depressed and sad again.
It's a vicious circle I can't seem to break.... and it's becoming a part of my every day life. And.. with a close girlfriend, a baby, and a job that I rely VERY much upon... is such a bad bad thing to have going on right now.
And this is all leading me to believe that I either need to do one of two things... I need to do some super serious soul-searching to find out the cause of all my negative emotions. Or I need to seek some help.... and quickly. Because having such anger and rage around my girlfriend and 1 month and 3 day old daughter.... could get me into some serious trouble.... and God knows that the last thing I could ever want in my life....
...something needs to happen before I absolutely lose my mind....
...I just want to be happy again....
...I just want to show of a sincere smile once again....
...But most importantly... I just want to be happy.... again.....
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"All She Wrote"
Something's wrong with your mind
It won't think of me anymore
Was it all a waste of time
Tell me why was I such a chore
Broken bottles empty
Cut my mouth so I can't say
Today was that day
It was that time
And that was all that she wrote for me
You fell away
I don't know why
And that was all that she wrote for me
Lying here in your bed
The one that you liked to do it in
Pieces of long brown hair
Are all over it and still in my brain
i can't explain
What it's like not knowing if I'll ever cross your mind
Today was that day
It was that time
And that was all that she wrote for me
You fell away
I don't know why
And that was all that she wrote for me
Sleep through the day
Fight through the night
Seven a.m. and the tv is white
Covered in snow
I never knew that hell could get so cold
Today was that day
It was that time
And that was all that she wrote for me
You fell away
I don't know why
And that was all that she wrote for me
Today was that day
It was that time
And that was all that she wrote for me
You fell away
I don't know why
And that was all that she wrote for me
Something's wrong with your mind
It won't think of me anymore
Was it all a waste of time....
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| It's been a while. Last time I wrote in here, I was a different age! YAY, happy 21st birthday for me!!! ANYWAY! Everything is going great with work and stuff. Unfortuntaly, also, since the last time I wrote in here... I've demoted myself to being single. Yes.. single.... And it sucks so so damn much. I miss it. But it's alright Anyway, it's time to go to work! Glad to be 21! Yay for beer! Much love! |
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| Awww... i can't believe george carlin passed away... :( |
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| man, it's just getting weirder and weirder all the time. but, nothing is up.. so i guess i'm safe... ? |
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